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Saturday, February 26, 1977, 11:00 am - Day 396
I've sort of been living in a daze lately, or at least it might seem that way. I don't know much what I will be doing from day to day. I try to figure out a schedule for myself, so I can keep others informed on what I am doing, and then the next thing I do is change it, and then change it again. It is so I don't know what I will be doing tomorrow or one week from now or at the end of the month, and it bothers me. I feel that it is wishy-washy.
When I left Kamiendor this last time, I told them that I would be back on Friday for sure, so that they would have food ready when I return. When I reached Saiama, I decided I should stay until Sunday because Moiba, my co-worker, would be going down to Sefadu for his paycheck then. Yesterday, I decided that I should go back to Kamiendor today because the work was stalled out for the time being. Last night, I figured I would stay until Sunday because there was other work that I could do Saturday. Today, my co-worker decided that he wanted to leave today instead, so I figured that I might as well go also. I haven't left yet. I don't know if I will. I guess I won't know for sure just when I will leave until I actually leave. This is what bothers me. I should be able to schedule my time a little farther in advance than that.
Sunday, February 27, 1977, 1:00 pm - Day 397
I came back to Kamiendor yesterday. I woke up this morning feeling fine, except for my foot where I have a small cut from falling down a few days ago. I made pancakes for breakfast, and I was doing fine. The eleven kids who stood around my table, watching me cook and eat them, didn't bother me a bit. Next, I took some time to fix up the map I made of Saiama. Still, I was doing fine. I then took my book I was reading and went out on the back veranda to read in my hammock. Still, not too bad, but starting to notice the soreness of my stomach. I contributed it to over-eating, coupled with the fact that my stomach muscles were probably sore from the belly-strap of my backpack yesterday.
I've taken 3 or 4 good healthy-looking shits this morning, which has helped relieve the situation. This sore stomach and foot made me feel extremely irritable when I was joined by the horde of children which were loudly playing and running and fighting with each other around my hammock, and all of the while trying to hold a "conversation" with me. I was in no mood for all of this, and came very close to literally wanting to line them all up and shoot them, or at least break a few bones in each of their little bodies.
Finally, I got completely fed up with it, and hurridly escorted them from the house, and I was amazed at myself and the way that they complied. I was able to quite calmly inform them that "this house is as much mine as it is yours, and you are not to play like you are in it but to go outside for that." They all seemed to take it very nicely and so left me alone for awhile.
It was about now that my head started to feel hot for the first time in ages. I thought of maleria and maybe I should take some arelin. I then realized that it was Sunday, and that I missed taking my arelin last week. Therefore it was take it today, and no excuses, and also I might as well take an asprin or two at the same time. To wash them down, I still had to chew them and arelin tastes awful, I decided to use the last cup of palm wine that I had. I also had one cup previously that morning, my first in quite a while, and it is possible that my supposed fever could have been from that. This second cup really hit my stomach hard, so I only took enough to be sure that all taste of the arelin was completely washed away.
My stomach again told me that I had over-indulged, but it is feeling quite a bit better now. I think that my head is under control also, but there won't be any running around for me today, at least.
Tuesday, March 1, 1977, 9:00 pm - Day 399
Here's a heavy thought that I just came across in my reading :
"...The age of fun (now) should also both be an age of violence and dispair. ... Since you can't possibly have fun all of the time, since seeking it too persistently and too exclusively is a sure way of finding boredom and frustration instead, perhaps pessimism is the inevitable reaction of the thoughtful, and violence the inevitable reaction of those who do not analyze their frustrations." - by Joseph Wood Krutch, "Can We Survive the Fun Explosion?"
Maybe this is the problem with the youth of the world today. - I said "youth", I must be getting old!
It is easy to be bored when you have too much free time, but more free time is what everyone is always trying to get. Free time means a time for "fun", but when you run out of things to fill your free time with, you start looking in some of the wrong places. Joining street gangs and beating up old ladies are some of the wrong ways to have fun.
This author also wrote that this present civilization, being "modern" like it is, is losing its ties to the past, is becoming increasingly ignorant of the past, and doesn't care because they think the past means nothing to them. There are two ways to inform someone about the past; you can tell them or you can show them. Telling them could be with books in History classes. And showing them would be with buildings or objects from the time and place in question. Movies usually give a distorted view, unless done well. I can see from all this that it is "Important!" that we save representative old buildings and think twice before "trading that old thing in on a new one." Family heirlooms seem to be a lost tradition.
One big reason for the way the people today replace their articles so frequently is the lack of feeling of attachment that you get when it is something that you have made yourself or something that has been through many experiences with you. These things hold memories and shouldn't be discarded so quickly. Like, when I move up to a better bicycle, it almost breaks my heart to see my old one sit unused or, worse yet, go to the junk yard. I would much rather spend some of my own money to fix it back up, so it would be as good as new, and then give it away to someone whom, I would hope, would respect and love it as much as I did. Seeing it go to a good home would then relieve my conscious about discarding my old bicycle. At least it must be a good sign - that I do have a conscious about it. If more people did, and then followed it, then the problem would be solved about losing our history. Also, it would help greatly with the recycling effort of the conservationists.
Maybe this "reading idea" isn't too bad after all. I never was too much on reading before. That might be part of "the problem". Now, "this problem" has been with me for most, if not all, of my life. If you haven't guessed what "the problem" is by now, then stop reading for a few seconds before looking at the answer under my finger. (shy)
That's right. My shyness. I never talk. I've always felt that this was because I never have anything to say. I have no opinion about almost any subject that would be found at any point in a normal conversation. When I do have an opinion, it is often a weak, uninformed one, which usually results in only a "yes" or "no" answer. If I have a strong opinion, then you will hear more from me, often too much even. One reason for this lack of opinions is the lack of input which comes about from not reading. If nothing goes into my head, then I make sure that nothing meaningless comes out of it.
I am aware that the basis or "cause" of my shyness goes very much deeper than this. If it didn't then I would have gotten over it long ago.
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