Tuesday, May 9, 1978, 6:00 pm, Day 833

But then the fever and headache became worse. My mind was no longer wandering like it was, and I began to concentrate more on the pain. It was getting to be no longer any fun. My remedy for this growing pain didn't work out too good. I'd swear, it was almost the death of me. My remedy was that if I felt pain in one part, then I would try to keep that part from moving, as I figured that movement only increased the pain. After a few hours of this, though, I found that the pain had increased such that each part seemed to be at its maximum. If I needed to move, then I would do it very, very slowly, so that the pain wouldn't overcome me.

That was my theory, but I found out that it didn't work. it had gotten such that I felt that if I moved any part now, that it would be too much for me, and I would die. That was my thinking as I laid there. And I never felt so hopeless or afraid. It was such that I felt, for sure, that I was going to die if I blinked one eye, even. I was very, very much afraid now, afraid that I was going to die, and I didn't want to die. I really had the urge to live, but found myself in a hopeless situation.

Finally, I got desperate. I felt that I had to move, to move anything, even though I would be taking the chance of dying from it. I had hoped that if I achieved some degree of movement in one area, that it would then give me a way out, if I moved something else. it would give me some place to move.

I was desperate. I figured that I had to get myself out of bed somehow, as to stay in bed any longer meant nothing but death for me.

I started out slowly, by moving my hand and then my arm. Nothing happened, so I kept going. I took the blanket off of me and moved my leg. Still nothing, so I kept going. Finally, I got up out of bed. I went outside the back door. Then it started to hit me. I felt very weak, and so I quickly sat down on a small stool that was there. I felt on the verge of dying, and went into a panic. I got up and rushed back into my room, sure that I had just pushed things too far. I felt for sure that I was just a split second away from dying, and felt very much afraid. I didn't want to die.

I literally threw myself down onto my rug. I knew that I had gone too far, that now I was going to die. I lay on the rug but was still in a panic. I found that I was still alive, that my breathing was heavy, but getting calmer. Finally, I dragged myself over to my shelves and got some arelin and some asprin. I took them with water, and pulled myself up into my chair. I felt that the worst was now over. I had managed to get myself out of bed without dying.

After a bit, I felt well enough to try writing in this journal. I feel better now. I feel that I am back. back to the real world. The fever and headache are bearablenow, and I feel that I canget up, move around, etc., without taking the chance of dying. I have broken out in a sweat now, so I think the worst is over. I think that I will even go down to the shop and get something to eat.

I now have a greater respect and fear for malaria now. Before, I never took it all that seriously. I had had it a few times before, but had always had fond memories of it. It was during one of those times that I became aware of God. It had also always opened up the mind, such that one would have all kinds of thoughts. You would get a strange awareness of things. That is how this one started out, and so I wasn't worried. i thought I had it all under control. But then, that last part of it, I saw it to be the killer that it really is. I don't want to get malaria again!

Tuesday, May 9, 1978, 8:00 pm, Day 833

A while ago, when I was writing, after my malaria experience and my brush with death, I guess it didn't really get to me. But when I reached the shop, I tried to tell one of the ladies that I just had a session with malaria, and that one point I felt sure that i was going to die. I never managed to get all of this said, though, because just as soon as I started, I got all emotional and choked up, and I started crying. I guess that I was crying from the fact that I was very close to dying, and that by the grace of God I was pulled out of it.

I think that I have a bit more respect for God now. I was humbled today. During my early stages with the malaria, during the part where my mind was really moving, I remember thinking about God, who he was, and me, a mortal man, and how I reacted to God. I remember thinking how there were a couple of Faults of Mankind and how I showed both of them. The first was the stubborness of man. I remember thinking that my relationship to God had my stubborness showing. I might know what God wanted me to do, but then I would deliberately not do it, just to spite Him.

I had some examples at the time, but I forget what they are now. The next Fault of Man that I demonstrated is the foolishness of man. The foolishness shows up in that, even given all of the facts and logic that one would ever want to show that a person should do something one way and not another, even given all of this, the person sometimes just throws it all to the wind and does what he wants. I demonstrated the foolishnessof man in my continually forgetting to take my arelin when I should, even though I had all of the facts and evidence to clearly show that it was foolish not to take it regularly.

Before, my relationship with God was such that He would do His own thing and I would do mine. This was how my stubborness and foolishness worked in. Since they are both qualities of mankind, and since I was also a mortal man, I figured that I could just go along as I was, doing what I wanted, and not really caring how they fit in with God.

Well today, God humbled me. He brought me back down to size. I can see now where it might be worthwhile to take time to praise Him and maybe pray to Him. I am not sure if i am able to do either of these things, but I've gotten enough respect for God now to keep from trying to spite Him.

Wednesday, May 10, 1978, 10:00 am, Day 834

I've been busy this morning. I've been working in my room, cleaning or fixing everything that came along. Now everything is done, so I'm taking a breather while writing in here. I think that I will work on another water system design next. I think I'll start Saiama again. Saiama's project has just been sitting on my shelf now for over a year, with my not doing any work on it. Now that I have all of the others done and out of the way, and now that I can whip out a completed design in under a week, I feel that it is about time that i completed Saiama's design.

Also, today is my birthday. I didn't remember until maybe 15 minutes or so ago, but today I am 26 years old. This makes my third birthday in this country. I don't plan to celebrate today. There will be an "amplifier" dance here this Saturday, so I will wait till then and call that my birthday celebration. I will be a "chief patron" at the dance, which is like a guest of honor.