Saturday, March 5, 1977, 8:00 am, Day 403

• 8) The place was perfect. Kamiendor was finally getting to feel like home to me, a place that I was glad to come home to.
• 9) The timing was also perfect. God picked a time when I had just arrived from Saiama and wasn't planning to leave again for almost a week. This was just the right amount of time to accomplish what he did. I had the days picked out before. God just took advantage of the situation.
• 10) Supplying a dog that quite obviously needed loving. The dog was an American house-pet dog. He reminded me of my own dog, Rassberry, whom I missed. The dog was orphaned a year ago and had no present owner except the town in general.
• 11) Performing a hair planting, by far the best that I have yet seen, and on my favorite person in Kamiendor.

God must have been trying for a very long time, or at least waiting for the right moment for a very long time, before he shot the works on me. He knew I would be a tough nut to crack, and I was. Every part of everything that he did contributed to my awakening, and even just one of these things being left out probably would have kept me from breaking through. I was very skeptical about the existence of God. I could not believe before, just because everyone else said that there was one. I had to see it for myself.

Even with all of these things, on Wednesday night, when I found God, it was only after I went over all of what had happened, all of the evidence, and I permitted myself to believe only after I saw that this evidence proved beyond any shadow of a doubt that the only way it could have happened is if there was a God and He had had a hand in it. I was convinced, but almost afraid to admit it, even to myself.

That was when I felt His presence. That was when I found God. I haven't felt His presence since then, and maybe won't again for the rest of my life. I don't need to and don't expect to. I now know that God is there, even if I can't feel him, and I am satisfied. I can talk to Him if I like, and He will listen. I will never get any direct response from Him, though. God only works through deeds. He only does them when least expected, and will not do them when expected.

Monday, March 7, 1977, 4:00 pm, Day 405

This "God" thing is finally quieting down, letting me get back to normal and get back to the work at hand. This is good, because His preoccupying my mind as much as He was, was wearing me down; wearing me out.

At times I felt that I was going to fight Him all the way. My stubborness was showing and I wasn't going to let anyone tell me what to do, not even Him. After that, He also had me running scared, almost. I got to thinking about the bad thing that has happened to me each and every day since my awakening. The first was the over-powering sun on Thursday. Friday's bad thing was my motorcycle accident. On Saturday I was expecting something. I had it figured that Saturday's bad thing was the infection of some of my sores. After I had that figured, He sprung something worse on me. While taking my bath, I found that I was infested with "crabs". Crabs are little mite-like creatures. They are called "louse" by the people here. Anyway, they like hairy places, and so now I have them all over. A can of shelltox is supposed to do the job, but I am going to wait until I get to Kamiendor, so I can get my tweezers and pick them all off.

Now that I found crabs, I was worried. What would He do to me next? I figured that He might try to park me under a truck next, to make me learn. I got this trip around North and then down to Freetown coming up, so He has the opportunity. I figure that He is trying to convince me that I should have more respect for my body, and I guess He is right. Look at all of the things that have gone wrong with my body lately, all of which could have been advoided by a little preventive medicine.

I've been spending extra time these past couple of days, trying to fix my body back up a little, and as a result, my body is starting to look a little better, and God has eased up on me a little. I think He might have also thrown a few nice deeds my way, also, to make me appreciate Him a little more.

I've been keeping busy surveying the last three days. Twice yesterday, while I was setting up the transit, I found that the instrument was already zeroed on the horizontal circle, so that I did not have to take time to set it. It is next to impossible to do this by chance, so I had a hunch that God was helping me out a little. Also, three times in a row, I picked up and moved the transit to the next site, having forgot to record the horizontal angle. This is the kind of mistake that I would yell loudly at Moiba, my co-worker, about doing, but one which I thought myself uncapable of doing. And then I go and do it three times in a row! I guess God was reminding me that I am not perfect yet. He would help me out by setting the horizontal angle plate to zero, and then I would go and ruin it all by forgetting to record the horizontal angle.

Slowly, but surely, I am getting my humility. Humility is something that I was needing a little of, after these past few days. I was starting to have thoughts that maybe I was something special. God had presented Himself to me. I figured that hardly anyone else in the world had that really happen to them. I figured that with some it really did, with most they just say it did, and with the rest it didn't. I was starting to compare myself with Jesus Christ. After all, he was a carpenter, and here I am a civil engineer. I had thoughts of the possibility of I, myself, being the second-coming. This was all a few days ago, and I have toned down a bit since then.

Often, these past two days, I have had long stretches of time where any thought of God or religion has been absent from my mind. These felt good to me. He was finally leaving me alone, and I was able to function normally at my day to day endevours. I've been doing some good surveying, and I have also been reading "A Short History of Sierra Leone", which I have had for a year but haven't been really interested about it until now. I am hoping that sometime soon I will be able to write without packing every sentence with thoughts about religion and God. Things like that wear thin on other people very quickly. I always hated it before, and I would guess that other people would feel the same way.

I said that the thing that started all of this off was the miracle that cured me of my shyness. Now, even though I do believe that I am cured, or at least am improving rapidly from my shyness, I feel that the real miracle that has occured is that God has proved to me that He is really there, that He really does exist. It might have been possible for me to have believed in his existence long ago if it had not been for my stubborness of mine. All of the signs are there, all you have to do is see them.

Thursday, March 10, 1977, 7:00 pm, Day 408

My being frustrated about the condition of my body is rubbing off on the other things around me. I more-or-less fired my steward today. He has bugged me the whole time that he has been with me. The whole village despises him and he feels no love for them either. The only reason he stays was because of his job with me. I let him go today because I am now spending most of my time away from Kamiendor and so I don't need him any more. When I told him that, I had him crying and whimpering about, telling me his sob story about he has no mother and no father, this is not his own country, they stole his wife from him, and so I am the only one left who can help. And here I am, turning him away, feeling no compassion or sympathy for him. It makes me feel like a heel, and maybe I am one, but I can't stand this guy any longer. He is more trouble than he is worth. I will be glad when our relationship is ended.

I spent most of today in my room doing calculations and my trips out of my room were short because I wasn't happy about my relationships with the villagers. I felt nothing with them. It is all probably because my mind is preoccupied with worrying about if my sores are going to heal this time, or if they are going to get infected again.

I am leaving tomorrow for two weeks away from Kamiendor and the surrounding area. I am starting out by going north, back to Alikalia, for two days, and then working my way towards Freetown, stopping to visit at places along the way. I don't know how good my sores will take it, being on the road all that time, but I've been planning this for quite a while and am looking forward to seeing the people again. Also, seeing a few fellow Americans might do me some good, as I have been up in the bush for the last six weeks.

I am feeling anything but religious at the moment. I might want His help, but I guess that this is something that He wants me to work out on my own. All I can do is try, but I sure am frustrated. I guess I just have to keep with it, and don't let up until I am, for sure, completely cured.