Tuesday, April 5, 1977, 8:00 pm, Day 434

I've been surveying around in the town the last two days. Alot of that time was devoted to trying to get all of the bugs out of the survey that my coworker did earlier. I think we ended up redoing about two thirds of it before everything came out right when I put it on the map. Today we also did a profile survey to get the elevations of all of the points. My part came out fine but part of my coworker's will have to be redone tomorrow.

Jagbwema is a pretty nice town. I guess I would have to call it civilized, to distinguish it from the bush. It sells bread and cold soft drinks. It has two Lebanese shops. There are lorries coming and going all of the time.

Friday, April 8, 1977, 8:00 pm, Day 437

My relationships with the people around me are really affected by this sickness. I am really crabby and so prefer to spend as much time alone as I could, so that I would not have to come in contact with anyone. I am very irritable with the people I meet.

A few days ago it was all just the opposite. I was very friendly and kind to anyone and everyone and was having just a really great time. I was able to act personable with everyone and nothing, it seemed, could get me down. I guess I was wrong.

I am scheduled to go into Sefadu tomorrow night for a dance. It is a big event and Moiba, my coworker, is expecting me. Instead, it is possible that I might stand him up. I am considering going back up to Kamiendor and spend my Easter there, all nice and quiet like. If I still feel sick, then for sure I will skip the dance. A dance is not the place to be when you feel so crabby and irritable that you can hate a person just by looking at him.

I've been reading the book, "Edge of Awareness", these past few days. I first started this book during my other sickness a month or two ago. It was one of the things that contributed to the change that came over me during that time. I haven't touched the book since that time until just a few days ago when I started to feel sick and wanted something to occupy my time while I kept away from people. I re-read the section that I read before. I could see where it might have had the effect that it did on me then. It is called, "Why I Dislike Western Civilization", and it contains alot of points that start you thinking.

Monday, April 11, 1977, 5:00 pm, Day 440

I have finally accepted the fact that I have got to make some move, more than the doing nothing, which has recently been my policy (I admit sort of shamefully). I have been playing a version of Russian roulette with myself. In America, I played the same game, and never got caught. I accepted any water and food that came along, assuming it to be safe, as long as I couldn't see anything crawling around in it. I did the same thing here. I would drink just about any water, anything that they drink was good enough for me. I haven't bothered with boiling water because it seemed to be too much trouble to me, both to boil the water and then to carry a supply with me when I went out. I figured that I would lose a bit in the villagers' attitude of me if I always made all of these demands met before I would accept their offerings.

Instead, I now see that this shows a lack of respect and responsibility in both my body and also other things that I do and am.

Since I left Daru, I have been making a habit of usually wearing my clothes longer than I should. Jeans remain the longest, at about a week usually. Next are underpants at about 2 to 4 days each. Shirts are next. Casual (T) shirts are my usual dress and go at about 2 days apiece. dress shirts are only for special occasions and I usually change out of it as soon as I can, so it can be used again before washings.

After all of this time that I have been in this country, I haven't bought any clothing article except new shoes. I have sewed up holes a few times, but alot of things could use it now and I just haven't gotten around to it.

My self care and repair has been a low priority to me, whereas it should be #1. Also, when I feel sick, I have a very poor feeling towards the people towards me.

Tuesday, April 12, 1977, 9:00 am, Day 441

This morning I went through my Peace Corps medical kit for the first time in a long time, looking at what was available, and what purpose each thing was used for. Most of them I figured that I would never use, but I found some that I would. I found some water purification tablets. One tablet will purify a quart of water in 20 minutes. I found some iodine for cuts and sores. I found some vitamin pills also. When I first came into the country, I used to take a vitamin pill each day, but I soon gave it up because I figured they were useless. I think I will start using them again now, because my bodily resistance seems to be very low at the moment.

Wednesday, April 13, 1977, 7:00 pm, Day 442

This evening, during my bucket bath, I had this thought or two which I think tend to shine some more light onto what has happened to my life since God's first recognized deed in my life when the fever hit back on Sunday, 27 February, 1977.

All of these fevers, diahrea spells, falls on the motorcycle, etc., are to me to have all been "Acts of God". That is that these have all been deeds where I have been able to place meaning in them of God trying to direct me a little. You can never get God's whole meaning out of it, because the meaning that you see changes as time goes by and new data is added. So it has been with these deeds and the others, too.

This evening I thought of one basic game plan that seems to ty in all of these deeds, and I think it might work. You remember that day when I said that I thought that I was cured of my shyness and that it was a miracle, etc. Well, I see now, that it is still very possible that there is something that I have to do first before I can be cured. Never expect anything for nothing, not even from God! I see that I have a responsibility to take care of my body. If I manage to do that, including health, cleanliness, appearance, and whatever, then that will mean that I will then have some respect for my body and self. When I have this bodily self-respect then the shyness almost just goes away of its own.

I won't end up the most talkative person in the world, I will still be a bit on the quiet side, but I won't be hopelessly shy anymore. I'll be very very satisfied if I could move up that far on the talkative scale to the "only a little quiet" state, because that would be right for me. Check the graph that I have just made. Point A shows where I would have put myself prior to this year. Point B is where I hope that God and I will be able to work to. As you see, it is still on the quiet side but a whole lot better than before.

I am willing to work for it, especially now that I see how easy it can all be accomplished. I never figured this relationship before. I always thought that a person having self respect had it as a state of mind and that it didn't matter what kind of condition he kept his body in.

I think that I have always been stubbornly telling myself that I had self respect, and so had shut my eyes to all of the evidence. I figured that the number of days that I wore the same pair of underware would not have an effect on my relating with other people. You might not either, but when you think about it, indirectly, it does.

I've thought of a simple self-test that, if taken truthfully, will show up the weaknesses in anybody's self respect. Ask yourself a personal question: "How many times do you change your shorts per week?" Now, answer it truthfully. If you feel any twinge of shamefullness at either telling or hearing your answer, then that means definately that you lack self respect on that point. If you don't twinge, but can accept your own answer fully, then you do have self respect on that point. Ask more questions, anything on the subject of your personal habits, self, or relationships. The level of self respect is based on the number of shameful areas that you have. The more shameful areas, the less self respect.

This test should be used only when a person thinks that he has plenty of self respect. This person might surprise himself, and find something about him that he is ashamed about. If he can work to change it he should, if it is something about him that cannot be changed then he will have to learn to respect it the way it is.

Now, as for me, it will take me forever just about, before I can pass the self respect test. There will always be something about me that could use improvement. Right now, I am over-stocked with things that need fixing. If I ask too many test questions at one time, I will be swamped with things all wanting to be done at this very moment. Therefore, I am restricting my abilities to the important items at the moment. They are 1) restoring my health, and 2) keeping myself healthy. I am letting slide the area of wearing clothing more days than one should, and wearing clothing that has seen better days. I am not really letting them slide, it is just that at the moment I am continuing to be very accepting towards the situation because of the fact that I am living out of my backpack at the moment. I did do a special washing last night of 2 pairs of socks and 2 pairs of shorts, so that means that this morning all 3 pairs each that I have with me were clean. who knows, maybe I will be able to do this area also.