Sunday, December 4, 1977, 7:00 pm, Day 677

I am also getting pretty good at cuddling up to attached women, that is women who are clearly dedicated to their husbands or boyfriends. I probably do better here than I can do with an unattached woman. This is because i am mostly all bluff, that is, all I am after is just the fun and enjoyment of the fooling around with the woman, and am not really trying to get into bed with them, as i pretend to want to do.

Therefore, I find it easier approaching the attached women because with them, they enjoy the fooling around even though there is no possibility that they will actually consent to sleeping with me. That keeps me safe. On the other hand, with an unattached woman, I still have the tendancy to shy off because there is the big possibility that they would accept my invitation, which is usually not what I am actually after. This is because I am still lacking all of the self confidence that I would need to actually take a woman to bed with me. This is due to a lack of experience and is something that should be overcome.

I feel that love is very important. It is something that I feel every person needs to be able to fulfill before he can be a whole person.

Like Diana and Jim. I can see that Diana is definitely and completely in love with Jim. I also see that Jim is not in love with Diana. I feel that it would be great if Jim could fall in love with Diana, and so I am sort of acting as a matchmaker or go-between for the two of them. Being that I feel love is so important, and I see that Diana is very much looking for and needing love, I am out trying to convince Jim that Diana is just what he needs. I am trying to get Jim to ask Diana to come stay with him up in his village. That is the sort of thing that Diana is looking for, because that will show that Jim wants her just as much as she wants him. That will fulfillDiana's need for love, and make a more complete satisfied person out of her. It is mostly for Diana that I am trying, because I can plainly see her need for love and don't want to see her thwarted.

Also, the same applies for me. I need and am looking for love. This is why I felt that I wanted to marry Sia Kundi. Now, being that all possibilities of love fulfillment by the people in Kamiendor seem to be gone, I am left with Fatu here in Freetown. I can possibly love Fatu, and I think that she might be in need of someone to love her, besides. I want to be that one.

I see Fatu as being all mixed up and floundering in her love affairs. This tends to come with her job. I see my mission as to offer my services to her, with the hope of helping to straighten her out by fulfilling her need for love. At the moment, I think that Fatu loves me. She also has a few other men that she loves, and so she is constantly torn between them, with the result of her need for love being unfulfilled.

To this moment here in Freetown, I have consistently kept Fatu as my one and only woman. this is because I am attempting to fulfill my need for love by loving her. For my need to be fulfilled, she has to demonstrate that she loves me also. I hope to see her and spend the night together with her tomorrow. If I do, I should be able to tell if she infact does actually love me or not. A good measure of her love I think, will be the money to be paid. I have so far paid her money for no services rendered and also paid relatively high prices for services rendered. I feel that Fatu now owes me a night on the house, and if she really loves me then she will give it to me. If she makes a big palaver about the money, then that will show me that she doesn't really love me and that she only goes with meto get as much money out of me as she could. If that is the case, then the affair is over. I cannot fulfill my need for love by someone pretending to love me, when in reality they are just pretending to love me so that they can get some money. That is the worst thing about having money, and you sometimes feel like taking all of your money and just burning it. True love is more important than money.

Now, with Fatu, my keeping Fatu as my one and only woman helps to fulfill her need for love. If she knows that it is her that I want, and no other girl will do, then that cannot help but please her. If she finds that she is not the only one, then that destroys the love, and it reverts back over to just a money-making proposition.

For the other side of it, if the man just wants sex and whichever girl it is doesn't matter, then he better expect to pay for it. With me, it is my need for love that is most important, and so I stick to just one girl only but expect to pay less, because if I feel that the girl is just out to make an enormous profit off of me, then she can't really love me for myself, and this in turn makes it impossible to fulfill my need for love.

If I truly love the girl, then I will be sure that she is amptly provided for. In the long run, she will probably be even better off. The money and gifts, though, will be given for different reasons. They will be given because I love her and not as strictly payment for services rendered.

It all comes back to money. It would surely simplify things if it wasn't there, thereby clarifying the reason why someone might be good to you.