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Tuesday, December 6, 1977, 9:00 am, Day 679
I spent the evening and night with Fatu yesterday. I only brought 12 leones with me when I went out. I figured that any more than that will just be throwing my money away.
Tuesday, December 6, 1977, 2:00 pm, Day 679
I came to OKs at about 9:00 PM. I found Fatu there. The place was almost deserted. We only had one beer there. I drank it slowly, taking time to have a few dances inbetween times. I started off the evening reserved; not knowing if I really wanted the woman that was sitting next to me. After a few dances together, though, I started to open up and was drawn closer to her. After awhile we left to continue the evening at the After 8. It was only 10:00 PM or so, much too early for the place to be hopping. Our arrival did much to liven the place up, though. Besides Fatu, we also had Baby Joe and Fatmata along. We were just about dancing every song, the three girls trading off with me, with the remaining two dancing with each other. These four bodies up on the dance floor sort of sparked the place into life. I was having a good time and Fatu was being good also.
About 12:00 oclock, though, my money ran out. I was surprised at how quickly it could go, but then I was buying for four people at 70 cents per beer, so it didn't take long. Fatu started turning sour at this time. She said that she was shamed to stay in the place when we didn't have any money. She was able to make it through the rest of the evening by begging beers off of other people. This lack of money also triggered her into planning to go to the police that night to complain about her purse that the other girls took a few nights ago. She kept wanting me to go home to my house, saying that she would join me later, after she was through with the police. I figured that that arrangement wouldn't work out, and that if I had to go home alone, then our love affair would be over. I was never able to actually tell her that.
That all sets up the scene for what happened next. It was very emotional for me, very possibly the most emotional event of my whole life so far. Last night I actually cried. It was the first time in as long as I can remember, possibly the first since the car accident when I was 8. The beers in me probably helped me along a little, but it was more than that.
The thing is that I love Fatu. I don't love her such that I will claim her for my very own and no one elses. I do love her in that I am keeping myself true to her whenever I'm in Freetown. I love her in that I don't want to do anything to hurt her. She loves me also, but she often loses sight of that fact because money, beer, and other people keep getting in the way. This is what was hurting me last night. I want to get through the money, beer, and other people, so as to finally reach the love that Fatu has for me inside. That love is there and it is worth having.
My problem now is that the money, beer, and other people keep breaking in, to block out that love, so often that last night I was on the verge of saying that it just wasn't worth it. This is what had me quietly crying in a corner. I wanted Fatu's love. I knew that it was there for me. I was at a point though, where I was committed to leaving Fatu forever that night if I didn't get her love. I've been thwarted so often, and it looked like I was being thwarted again last night, so that I was at my breaking point. I just couldn't take any more, and so I broke down and cried.
Things were strained late that evening. Another girl asked me to dance. All I could do was go through the motions. I couldn't enjoy it. She asked me why I was so serious, but I couldn't reply.
Fatu finally gave up the idea of having to go see the police that night, and decided that she would go home with me. That was what I was waiting for. It looked like the worst was over. In the taxi on the way home though, Fatu asked for 10 cents to buy cigarettes. I couldn't give it to her because I didn't have it. She flew into a rampage then, all of the way to the house. I was very deeply hurt by that, because here it was again, money getting in the way of our love. It was all I could do to keep from saying something to provoke her further. I came very close to ending the affair right there. I didn't though.
I managed to fend off each verbal blow, mostly by either agreeing with her or just keeping quiet. Once out of the taxi though, she quieted down, but still seemed quite capable of causing a big palaver in the house. Luckily, though, two of the other girls were also staying at the house. Diana and Ikondiya were both there. After Fatu had finished looking in on both of them, she was content to spend a quiet night together.
In bed all palaver was gone. She told me how she wanted to take me out shopping the next day, to find some new clothes for me. She also said that she wanted to come visit me in my village. These were both things that i wanted to hear, as they are a sign of the love that she has for me.
This morning though, things were a little uncertain. There was the matter of payment. I didn't just offer her money like before. Instead, I just kept quiet about it, forcing Fatu to bring the subject up first. If she had demanded alot, then I would have paid it, but I would have also made it clear that that payment was also buying my freedom, and that I would not go with her again, because all she was after was my money.
Luckily, her love for me prevailed this time, and she didn't actually demand any more. Instead she hinted that she needed money for taxi fare and to buy food that day. I gave her 6 leones and she was satisfied, quite a comedown from the 12 leones last time.
Also, she was under the impression that she wanted to go right away this morning, and she wanted me to go out and find her a taxi. I wouldn't agree to that, but instead offered to walk with her out to get a taxi. We made it out to the top of the steps on the edge of the road. There we sat down and had a very nice conversation. Money, beer, and other people didn't interfere this time. For maybe as long as an hour, we talked about such things as our planned trip out to find a tailor, fatu's planned visit up to Kamiendor, what her eating habits are, and just anything that came to mind. I gave her 12 leones to cover transport and room and board on her trip out to see me. She is scheduled to leave Freetown this next Monday and arrive in Kamiendor next Tuesday afternoon. She is planning to stay only a few days, which is fine, as there really isn't that much to do in Kamiendor. I am planning to take her to Market Day so we could look at material together.
I feel that coming up to Kamiendor will be a good experience for her, as she will be out of reach of Star beer and all of the problema and palavers that go along with the type of life that she leads here in Freetown. I am hoping that the good Fatu will be able to come up to the surface during her stay, and that the money, beer, and other people will not interfere.
Tuesday, December 6, 1977, 4:00 pm, Day 679
Looking back over my journal here, I see that just about all of what I have written is usually not considered to be the things that one tels his mother about. I've let Diana and jim read through all of this. Diana is flattered. Jim is flabergasted (or something like that). He can't hardly believe that I am planning to send all of this home to my family. In considering this point, I can't hardly believe it either. But then, I am still going to send it all just the same. I hope no one is so shocked that they rip it all up, because I would never be able to forgive them. Anything that is written in here is a true statement of my deepest feelings, and I don't really appreciate it when people criticize those feelings or actions.
Many people might tend to condemn my dealings with these so-called "rally girls". I reason that my behavior is acceptable in that I am attempting to fulfill my need for true love. Also, I find the bad points of these girls' situation and behavior as being very undesirable, and see a small mission in life for me as being to try to bring out all of the goodtraits in the girls and getting them to leave their bad traits behind. That might be impossible to actually do. I have, however, been able to accomplish a little. I am friends with, and on a first name basis with maybe 10 to 15 of the girls at OKs. Fatu is my only woman, and all of the other girls know and respect that. I treat them all good, and in return they all treat me good. As a result, I have had very few palavers, and when I do get into one, all of the girls come in on my side, as they can see that I am being fair and just, while the other is in the wrong.
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